What are possible pathways to find inner calm? Personal reflections and notes. Mind, Part III

Introduction

In this post, I want to reflect on the mental coping rationalisations I have been applying throughout my life. What I put here is nothing new; perhaps some points are just revised learnings from my path inspired by background reading and brute-force experience.

My roots spawned from a farming family, so I received little academic support. Yet I picked up some wisdom through challenging opportunities as I progressed through life and forged mental tools that carried me through the years.

I consider myself a person who likes to think all the time; I am a school dropout, an ex-chef, and a trained scientist currently poking around software engineering and marketing, but I am here to learn, so I try not to limit myself to the professional category. What I do in life doesn't define me; what defines me are the lessons that life throws at me.

Navigating such disparate paths involved a lot of work, and it took a lot of hard diamond determination to change directions. Each learning journey, nonetheless, challenged me and expanded my worldview. Now, I use some of my spare time to review my psychology and philosophy lessons to do some reflective writing.

Years ago, I challenged myself to begin to architect a mind that could sail me to some exciting waters. I struggled because I didn't know anything about sailing. Internally I often folded my sails to drift ahead, having no aim but hoping to stumble on something interesting out there. Sometimes, a storm of anxiety carried me deeper into the open sea of dark thoughts. I often encountered an imaginary ship that arrived at my rescue in my dreams. Upon boarding it, I quickly made my way towards a cabin area. Unfortunately, as I passed various rooms, I could not find an empty one to comfort myself during embarking darkness. So I kept wandering, pushing myself through a heckling crowd of encumbering thoughts. As the sea of choppy thoughts stirred, I began to feel seasick.

Eventually, I realised that trying to calm or switch off my thoughts was impossible. Instead of ignoring my noisy mind, I had to become more thoughtful about my approach. I began to explore some areas of human cognitive systems. I began seeking an answer to simple questions: "Why an unsettled mind can sometimes be so annoying?" and "Why did an evolutionary process get us cornered in a position of discomfort in the first place?"

The effort to trace the events that compose our cognitive systems became a fascination and obsession of mine. On the other hand, learning more about the topic of the mind helps me to re-frame the way I think. I also better understand the human interface between the mind and the outer world.

However, I am not writing this down to feel sanctimonious. Further, I am not writing here as a scientist (I abandoned that path long ago) but as a curious human who wants to learn how things work.

In 2nd part of this series, I shared more background of my journey, and perhaps I made some hints that I genuinely sympathise with people who are harassed by their inner or outer triggers of anxiety. Many of us feel stuck in a dark pit at some stage. In contrast, others may feel disappointed with their lives because we are not given instructions through adequate parenting or education but cling to ideals distorted by various sources or media that progressively stir the calm sea into chaos.

Despite having a relatively peaceful life, I experienced dark moments in my own life, and I would like to reflect on how I managed to guide myself through the traps of our minds by dissecting my thoughts. I admit I was fortunate to meet a handful of inspiring and appalling people whose wisdom, in the first case, or bluntness, in the latter case, helped me to build a multi-faceted prism that I learned to use to diffract and analyse information from this complex multi-dimensional world that surrounds me.

I thus began assembling a mental toolbox filled with past experiences, which I use casually as a set of reference points. Whenever I end up in deep, troubled or pessimistic waters, I return to these references to remind myself of my past lessons and then try to re-evaluate and identify my biases.

It is worth noting that even if we use personal observations, self-analysis, continuous readings, listening to other people and going through stages of emotional discomfort, these don't guarantee a permanent state of calm. Our lives are not closed systems, and we continuously face various external influences. Instead, we can enrich our lives if we aim to be flexible about our thinking strategies and how we react to different situations. It took me a couple of decades to learn this, primarily due to a lack of confidence and a feral fear to honestly introspect my thought processes. Today, however, I try not to limit myself by the boundaries of my emotional spectrum as much.

Part 1 & 2 recap and further concepts

In Mind Part 1, I made a list of some concepts and toy models that can simplify the complexity of our mental clockwork and how these might influence behavioural responses. In Mind Part 2, I focused on low mood, depression and how numerous circumstances can shape our perspective and wisdom. I collected these through bitter-sweet experiences. In this section, I want to note more conceptual ideas and a list of mental rationalisations based on these concepts. They help me push through the daily uncertainty and life in general

I decided to attend a course in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)* because I wanted to cross-validate my thought processes and learn about potential biases in my thinking that I could minimise and maximise my mood level. During the process, I learned about a good representation of a model, shown in Figure 1, that represents a high-level relationship between our environment and our internal neuronal system.

* CBT is a form of therapy that relies on developing methods to solve challenging life circumstances through the active practice of such methods.

The above representation is similar to a higher-level abstraction of a diagram I made in section 1. Our environment's events influence our body faculties, generating thoughts, emotions and behaviours. The capacity to express or inhibit our thoughts through emotional or behavioural responses vary between individuals.

Further, our imagination influences our feelings and behaviour and may be context dependent based on individual experience, circumstances, and intellectual and emotional capacity. Lastly, stress has a more adverse impact on our event memory concerning moments of pleasure. It is an evolutionary trait (recap, we want to be selective when remembering events that can harm us, so they stick around for longer).

These specific couplings, under certain conditions, can drive us into low mood or depression and even keep us in that state for a long time because of this evolutionary preference. For example, we can develop automatic negative coping thoughts more easily when we face a sequence of challenges. We may even reinforce our cognitive biases (recall section on perspective). It can lead to a formation of a cognitive-behavioural cycle, as one shown in Figure 2.

As a teenager, I ended up in such a conundrum. When we are young, we can burden ourselves with many unrealistic expectations, often due to pressures from our environment; mine aimed towards academic achievement, which came from within. However, I needed to improve at setting and working towards targets. As a result, I needed to work on it. With time the amount of work I had to do to reach my goals was becoming mentally overwhelming; I began to feel paralysed when faced with such unrealistic demands. I began avoiding mental work by distracting myself with low-impact but gratifying physical work on the farm. The guilt from steering away from my ambitions was palpable and often made me desolate. Each attempt to lift me from that misery made me return to the same pit; I stuck like the fictional character Phil in the movie Groundhog Day.

It took me several years before I built enough emotional context to begin a refactoring exercise of my thoughts. Eventually, I managed to recognise some of my cognitive traps.

Based on the above model (and experience), I concluded that an individual could develop a set of thoughts that can drive them into guilt or hopelessness when facing too many overwhelming tasks. On the other hand, when we don't set any tasks, we feel underwhelmed. Therefore, I would urge anyone to stop themselves from calling anyone lazy without more profound thought; the person might be someone who is crushed from too much activity or someone who hasn't found something inspiring to pursue yet. Both cases may end up in low activity mode.

My boss inspired me during his presentation (🙏 Alex Jardine) and crystallised the view in my head about the general relationship between our effectiveness against the effort we channel into our intellectual or physical endeavours. But what is a healthy level of effort? How do we avoid getting into the vicious cycle of the boom-bust cycle? Let's look at Figure 3. I had this idea in my mind that the relationship between effort and effectiveness resembles a Circumstellar habitable zone or more chiefly: Golidilocks zone.

It is worth noting that again like in the case of learning capacity, any individual will have to overcome initial inertia and apply enough effort to become effective at a particular task. That varies between people. For instance, one can easily capture visual information, while someone else may take longer to load it into their cognitive system.

For example, Eidetiker can remember and recall an image from their memory by seeing it only once. I met a person with eidetic memory during an acting course (I had to try something new), and I was highly impressed by her ability to remember a few pages of text by just looking at it once. But there are more extreme cases of mental skills that involve working memory. One curious example that caught my attention several years ago was of a man called Kim Peek. He was uniquely able to memorise anything he had read and recall tiny details many years later. In comparison, I sometimes spend more than ten minutes looking for my keys all over our flat, before I remember with embarrassment that they are in the pocket of my trousers that I am wearing!

However, the relationship between being effective at something and the amount of effort we devote to the challenge can be more subtle. The optimal values of the average performance vs effort curve, represented by the vertical dotted lines in Fig. 3, can depend on competing external and internal factors. The thresholds at which burnout occurs can also vary between individuals. Further, as we walk through our daily lives, we will find that some days are more daunting than others, and generally speaking, our performance will undulate.

I spent much spare time obsessing about casual sports in my early twenties. I got fixated on improving my running methods by systematically working and improving my running schedule to improve my running speed. My general aim was to run at 15 km h^-1 and sustain that speed for a total distance of 10 km. At first, it was a very steep ask for a novice, but I was naive and thought that might pose enough of a challenge (does the boom-bust cycle ring a bell here?).

I was always overweight, even when I was born (my poor mother). So when I began my running journey, I could bearly run for 10 minutes straight at 7 km h^-1. After several months of trying to calm my internal organs, muscle aching and mind-twisting effort, I was making a 10 km distance in a little over one hour and ten minutes.

In the next year or so, I improved my ability to run a 10 km distance to less than 40 minutes. My running fitness and time relationship resembled a curve like in Figure 4. As the arrow of time moved forwards, I ran incrementally faster and maintained the same speed for longer. However, my progress was never linear because I was either getting injured or overtrained, so I had to spend some time recovering (recall learning capacity curve where someone was working towards reaching their goal by alternating periods of progress and periods of plateaus). With proactive scheduling, I allowed myself to stumble but reached my target.

In Figure 4, I also added a dotted line below the time axis. This imaginary curve represents a level of stress our bodies can tolerate over time. As we switch between our training and resting episodes, our minds can calculate the risk of hitting our endurance limits which keeps us from the threshold that marks a burnout state. That's why it sometimes it is tough to continue when our bodies send us a signal to be careful; we should be aware of these signals and thread carefully.

The power of our imagination can frequently mute our feedback mechanism until we overdo it. I ignored the screaming signals from my gut as I climbed my ability to make a 10 km distance to make my target. I didn't stop to think about my goal and what I was doing to myself. My obsession blinded me.

Shortly after I achieved my goal, I kept pushing myself until I injured my ankle. I could not run for over six months without experiencing pain. So I gave up my hobby; I put on weight, and my ability to run the distance diminished with time. The end.

Regarding mental agility and problem-solving, attaining mastery is conceptually similar to physical exercise. Alas, when we stumble mentally, we don't often experience the immediate feedback of sharp pain. Instead, we might experience a slow but progressive erosion of our emotional well-being. Our mental injuries are neither clearcut nor visible, especially if they occur over a long period. Similarly, the tasking episodes of mental strain can progressively dent the mental state and reach our tolerance threshold.

As I discussed in part 2, when we tumble into a valley of low mood, we might seek abusive substances that affect our mood, swinging it from depressive to euphoric extremes, for example. I am discouraged from seeking salvation in drugs or alcohol, although I often forget my errors and overindulge in wine. It would be best to dissociate external events from using such substances to escape your issues. Escapism creates a strong psychological association and a physiological dependence cycle that can be very hard to break out of, given that alcohol can amplify your good or bad mood. It can harm when you find yourself that you stop feeling bad or good without external substance. Enjoy good wine like artwork, nothing more.

I want to note a few things about the topic of balance. When I did my basic physics lessons, we often reduced many mechanics problems to balancing a seesaw. Analogously, we can imagine that our minds have several such seesaws constantly trying to offset any amount of incoming information we process to calculate response strategies. The resulting output is a behavioural routine responding to a given input. Figure 5 represents one such seesaw.

Suppose one of these subsystems keeps filling tasks before they can be moved for processing and cleared; the seesaw swings out of balance. If this happens, the system accumulates internal frustration or fatigue, akin to stress, during an intensive exercise. Many of us who exercise regularly learn quickly that a day of intense training should ideally be paired with recovery. A set of recovery exercises that simulate less used muscles will keep our cardio-respiratory systems primed at optimal performance and let muscles eliminate the excess lactic acid to prevent their damage.

In short, an intensive strain on our biological resources introduces net force that eventually leads to overall system degradation. Therefore we always schedule any maintenance to recuperate or at least seek a solution to find ourselves in a position that allows us to do so. Our minds are not an exception and should rest according to our needs.

The information processing and balancing system can be sloppy, leaky or sometimes oddly selective on what to process. The "chaperone" that selects and shuffles tasks from one side to another can make mistakes that cause us to forget some of them, ignore them when we have no capacity or move them into a memory "backburner" so we may return to it in the future. This way, we release some space for new incoming information or cast away some of the information we want to retain.

Another way I like to think about some information processing systems in our heads can be analogous to water funnels. I worked in a kitchen and used it to pour a lot of used oil into recycling tanks, which is why I like this analogy. However, sales and marketing people also use many of these funnel analogies.

Let's imagine that information that enters our minds passes through a constraint like the neck of an appliance. It can slowly fill up, especially when the inflow rate exceeds the rate the information can leave. Our emotions can play a part and restrain the capacity of the funnel, figuratively speaking, when we are angry and limit how much information we can process at a given moment.

This is good in certain situations, but it can hinder our analytical thinking under a great informational load.

This information channel concept builds on my basic understanding of information theory, buried in my memories of my undergraduate physics lectures. In information theory, see Figure 7, when data is sent across a channel, we first chunk it into some symbolic language embedded in some medium. Then we wrap the information and send it to some service; we hope it is recovered during transit. If all goes well, someone or something on the other end can receive it, decode it and use it somehow.

This is analogous to sending a letter. We encode information in plain English on a piece of paper, and then we send it to a specific addressee. They decode it by reading and retrieving the information when they receive it. We can write as much as we want, but in reality, we limit ourselves to a couple of pages, so the reader can quickly get all the information they need.

Similarly, different faculties of our brains constantly exchange chunks of information between themselves and peripheral organs. For example, cones and rod cells at the back of our eyeballs detect the ever-changing context of our visual input, encode messages and feed the data they collect to our visual cortex for processing. The visual cortex, in turn, unpacks the data, processes it and then relays it to other parts of our brain to induce an appropriate behavioural response.

The primary take from this section is that the relation between the environment and the inner mental state regarding thoughts and emotions can dictate our behaviour and goal-setting. We all have some optimal point of effectiveness at doing stuff, which we can further improve organically through planning and consistent practice. There are bottlenecks and personal limits. However, we should be aware of and respect our differences.

That brings me to the next major topic: problem-solving.

High-level elements of problem-solving

Solving problems that affect us emotionally is challenging because it requires a mental effort while our nervous system has already set an initial response in motion due to stress; the reactionary cascade itself can constrain or reduce our capacity to ingest or process specific channels of information. To get out of complex situations, we can use a template to break our issues into smaller pieces and use the most reliable technology anyone can access: pen and paper.

In physics or science, the first step we take when approaching a problem is to draw the elements of a problem on a piece of paper. A visual representation or at least a list of things we know (or don't know) about a particular issue can help us define questions we want to answer. In everyday life circumstances, we can make a similar approach and create a set of steps on the back of an envelope instead of churning all the surmounting information inside our heads; this also allows us to unload some cognitive strains on our brains and increase the capacity to handle the heavy lifting for solving the challenge itself.

Let's pick up an example that I had to deal with in the past. Several years ago, I worked as a technology consultant and software developer in a small consultancy company. I did put a lot of effort into my personal development in my spare time using madness invoking pattern I learned during my academic experience, which is composed of the following elements: one has to become obsessed with work, then keep pushing oneself further if one doesn't know answers to stuff.

I also realised I was making the three common mistakes that some of us embrace: being naive to believe we have ultimate control of the environment or ourselves; one can become good at something fast, that big city like London is the only place to grow your skills. But instead of enjoying learning, learning and working, I was disgruntled and didn't enjoy my life. The more I struggled, the deeper I got sucked into the cosmopolitan mire.

1. Identify the problem

   Regarding the above context, I was unhappy and didn't know how even to split the problem and identify parts that were making me miserable. For some of you who have been in this game for longer, I didn't notice external factors beyond my control. My significant difficulty was the shortsightedness of business decision-making I was part of.

My problem was: "I wanted to become happy at work; I wanted to enjoy learning and earn money in the process". Instead of listing ways of improving and changing my situation, I kept blaming myself for my shortcomings without communicating these needs with my employer. No one would ever come to me and ask: "hey, what can I do to make your work easier and more efficient?" I lacked the correct attitude and environment.

2. Full brainstorm phase with zero criticism

   I listed all possible choices, even the most ridiculous ones, beneficial to get out of the puzzle. Regarding the above issue, I wrote: "Quit job", "ask for other responsibilities", "move abroad and become a monk", "retrain to do something that brings more pleasure", "start a hobby to take some time off the edge", "discuss my feelings with my manager", "research other job options", "take a break" or "sick leave".

3. Compile pros and cons for each solution and go through them

   Now that I had some list, I could score each option from 10-0; 10 being likely to be a success, 0 being likely to be a failure at addressing my problem.

4. Rank the solutions, ordering them in terms of how viable they are to implement and the one that you are going to implement

   I chose to talk to a manager as a first course of action and discuss my feelings and the options I had in mind: retraining or taking other responsibilities.

5. Break your top choice into small actions

   I decided to set a meeting with the manager first, allowing myself a few days to make some notes and build a case. I wanted to present which direction to steer my career without abandoning my job responsibilities, keep supporting business and delegating some of my duties, and shift to some new tasks.

6. Plan your actions into your dairy

   This is self-explanatory - if we don't schedule our actions, we won't make any progress. However, we can quickly overburden ourselves with over-scheduling, but we must note the surmounting stress of an excessively constrained lifestyle. At first, we are apt to manage unexpected events that make us uncomfortable. However, prolonged stress can result in a chronic strain leading to burnout. Thus we get to the next point.

7. Review your progress

   Once things were set into motion, I met with my manager and discussed my goal. They were shocked by my feelings and promised that they would support me and allow me to work on various projects where I could pick up new skills. However, there were some constraints which we had to deal with as a small business. I could make my working hours more flexible and sometimes work from home to have more time to study.

   I began regular self-reviews and self-evaluations to track my well-being and progression in my career aims. After some time, I realised that even though some of my skills improved, I was getting further from being happy. I needed to be more in the right place despite salary increases. But thanks to self-evaluations and retrospection, I realised I was being dishonest with myself, pursuing a wrong path and leaving my relationships out of the equation.

   At the time, I didn't have profound roots in London. So I was convinced I would pursue a radical change, move out to somewhere cheaper, and focus on learning skills I wanted to expand. This way, I decided to align myself with what I wanted to do in the longer term. But thanks to the self-evaluation experience, I used my time to teach myself something new, learn to appreciate small things in life, get closer to my partner and her family and shed the comfort of security. This brings me to the subject of personal values.

Personal Values and Goals vs Environmental Expectations

My personal experience taught me that the most common source of distress that burdened me came from situations where my goals and values diverged significantly from those expected in my environment.

I learned that our values define our direction in life and guide us like a compass. They are moulded by our past experiences when we explore our lives on the earth and then determine what we find enjoyable, beneficial, constructive and important. Everyone has a different combination of values, which can change with time.

In the past, formal scientific education was something fundamental to me. I am curious about the natural world and want to understand how things work in the observable universe. Then I changed to focus more on developing my career as I needed money to survive - becoming specialised at something in demand is one way to achieve that. However, I am not career driven, so I am optimising my time to derive pleasure from life in other ways. It is because I value the time I spend with my fiancee or read stuff beyond my area of specialisation so I can explore different venues to earn money to survive.

Values and goals are not the same, however. We can set goals and achieve them, whereas values are like directions, we might constantly work towards them but never actually reach a finish line. Goals can act as steps on the journey and help us realign with directions dictated by our values.

Our current direction often needs to be re-synchronised with the principles of our internal compass. Thus, reflecting on various aspects of our lives can be important to realise their importance. If we decide that observed imbalances need re-evaluation, we can set goals to bring ourselves closer to the internal direction using the problem-solving template that I presented above.

Restructuring your day-to-day activities and living in a highly materialistic and competitive society is difficult. However, these notes should serve as management basics instead of randomly tossing a coin when approaching personal decision-making; it is a small step at making ourselves more content living our lives.

The following table reflects, as an example, my list of values:

Table 1 An example representation of various internal values I currently score from being very important 4 to not applicable 0. I also measure how much effort I devote to each facet, i.e. 1 too much, -1 too little into each facet of my internal needs and wants. One also can score themselves on a scale of -10 to 10 to have a more granular scoring system.

Values	Importance (4-Very, 0-Not Relevant)	Am I meeting this value (1-Overcompensating, 0-In-line, -1-Undercompensating)
Relationships	4	0
Work and Career	2	1
Spirituality	0	0
Education and learning	4	0
Friendships and social life	3	-1
Parenting	0	0
Family	2	-1
Community	3	-1
Hobbies and Leisure	3	-1
Physical Wellbeing	3	-1

In this example, one can note that I overcompensate in Work and Career category; although work is not something I live for or get great pleasure from, I need to use my time to survive and maintain a stable environment where I can live. On the other hand, I never was interested in spirituality because I derive pleasure from understanding the word as viewed through a more scientific aperture.

As I look back at my values, I realise I undercompensate in a few social venues, which causes me great distress.

Given that I am not a parent, my weight in parenting, at the point of writing, is non-relevant. When kids appear in my life, that will change to be a crucial aspect of my life, like I did when I took care of my siblings growing up. Nonetheless, I always set some goals and address these to move towards socialising with others to fill that void.

When we review and score our internal values, we can better understand where we overcompensate and undercompensate in our daily affairs. Then we can prioritise and set goals, measure our constraints, and work towards something that will make our lives more fulfilling.

To sail our human vessel towards the direction of our inner compass while being battered by the storm of our personal emotions is an enormous challenge. The adventure can enrich or wear us down. The following mental strategies help me a lot, but the journey is never smooth. I am becoming more grateful for this opportunity.

Personal realisations that help me manage my blended thoughts and keep me calm every day through short, medium and long re-iterative practice

1. Avoid getting trapped in thought loops

The first point I found in life to be quite important is to stop being afraid to let things go when you can't find room for more improvement at that thing. I don't easily give up, but when I already went through several painful cycles to improve and exhausted all sensible strategies to improve further, I break the process to improve and work on strategies to maintain my best level of that thing or start learning something new.

Probably, it is easier to understand the above with a specific example. Say, for instance, you want to be an excellent pastry chef. You do a course on pastry cooking. Your read books. You practice making pastry and baking at home. You do it on and off for a couple of months or even join a local club where you learn the trade from others. So you went through all the effort and advice from others, and you still need help getting the scone mix right or overheating the milk and cream when making a batch of vanilla ice cream. Take a step back and ask yourself a question. Have I exhausted all the options? Should I try something new and come back to it later? Can I work in a related discipline and still fulfil my passion for cooking, like working in the central kitchen? Or could I better write about pastry recipes or edit the work for the best chefs in the field?

When you see an opportunity for a change, get out of the loop to follow new pursuits. You might find them more rewarding and matching them closer to your values (e.g. financial rewards, altruistic fulfilment, technical projects etc.). It is worth doing this even if you don't feel fully prepared, and the fear of change gives you almost physical pain. Be open to learning as you go through practice, and break the loop when you supplement your direct experience with research and readings as much as you can afford. Don't expect the tasks you set yourself always to go smoothly or to be achievable at the end (in reality, only a few of us make it to the end, but I encourage you to keep trying).

If you try, you still have some chance of success or learning something. If you don't, you will never find out and get fixated on regret. Manage the number of regrets you collect throughout your life, but keep a few for reference. Accept and learn to manage mistakes; it is part of the process. Aim to learn how to learn. I won't give you any specific advice on how to do this because you need to chisel your path, which depends on your context. That is the most difficult skill to develop and will depend on your ability to organise yourself and your work to keep that candle of persistence alight. The key is to realise that learning is a life-long iterative process that grows organically.

2. On planning

I always found it extremely difficult to plan my life. We are primates. We have yet to fully evolve to plan efficiently because our biological bodies have focused mainly on shorter-term survival strategies over the past hundred thousand years. Only in the past few hundred years has planning become an essential element of our approach to staying alive and a cognitive tool to strengthen our societal position. That probably emerged due to the adaptation of more egalitarian hierarchies in our societies, the development of more complex and abstract organisational structures and an increased chance of an individual's survival throughout life.

Planning to achieve our goals helps a lot, but never make your plans too rigid or believe there is one unique way to reach your goal - allow yourself for few alternative options. Our universe, learnings, experiences and future events are probabilistic. Therefore, be flexible and always ready to adjust, or tear down your old options and start afresh even when your ego hurts or you end up feeling like a failure. We are often hesitant to change because:

1. we strive for consistency,
2. we fear of being incorrect,
3. we rely on feedback from our surroundings,
4. and we often overestimate or underestimate our expectations,
5. we have already invested much time and energy in that thing.

If you want to keep learning, you must teach yourself that it is worth enduring the discomfort of change or making bad decisions. Also, you need to convince yourself that it is fine to change your plans even if it is inconsistent with what you or others previously believed in because you will be the one who is going to live your life.

Planning for the future can be less stressful; at least, this is what I try to establish; when you try to have a weekly plan and do weekly reviews, set some soft goals for a month, goals for three months and six months - try to use short term goals to feed longer-term goals. But don't imprison yourself; it is just a guide for when your spark of determination barely illuminates the darkness of your self-doubt.

I try to be flexible, sometimes allowing myself a lot of slack with some periods of rumination and reflection (but I try to limit rumination to a minimum before it turns to procrastination). I invest and try very hard to keep an approximate strategy or build a rough personal curriculum for a year ahead of me. In this process, self-review and keeping a journal can be invaluable (although I need to be more consistent in this area).

Such personal introspection allows one to evaluate progress and verify the effectiveness of one's efforts toward some goals. If some things you are trying are not working over time, be ready to drop them and organically change your strategy. Invest and balance your time on things you still need help with - the fastest runners don't win triathlons, but athletes who put optimal effort into all challenge segments win them. Above all, learn to live in the moment sensibly, learn strategies for the future and learn to enjoy yourself on the journey to your desired destination.

3. Overcoming your inner fears

Use your inner fears to work for you and not the other way around. Don't let fear constrain you, stop you from taking action, drive your decisions or hinder your experiences. Recognise that initially, fear prevented us from taking action or letting us confront a threat (Part 1). With that in mind, we can direct your fear-evoking mechanism to drive and select a more desirable action. For example, you can imagine that missing specific goals can be even life-threatening so you can jump on these tasks immediately. This false impression on your subconscious processing may yield a greater throughput towards those goals. If we use fear this way, we can boost our performance or achieve better burst results. However, always prepare a set of cooling-off strategies afterwards to take this extra load from the nervous and immune systems.

Pushing yourself through fear in the long term, however, will wear you down, make you pessimistic and irritated, plus you might also lose sight of your long-term goals. Eventually, it will lead you to overestimate risks, stopping you from acting towards your goals and even causing burnout.

We should seek balance and add thinking strategies to our mental models' repertoire that evoke positive emotions when reaching long-term goals. For example, you can imagine yourself in a desirable situation or positive outcome of your efforts periodically. This simple simulation of positive goals in your head and embracing the desired outcome will prime you, motivating you to achieve your goal. Stay calm into hyper-optimism, though (for a long time), as you may underestimate risks and miss important details when working towards your goals which might cause you to eventually crash and burn like in the case of high pessimism. (see Icarus story )

Appreciate the bandwidth of the analytical power that periods of pessimism can yield. Some folks label pessimism as a negative personal attribute. Still, with a healthy amount, it is a great internal tool if you don't use it to diminish your self-esteem or use that energy to undermine your abilities. Pessimism can make you think through the problem and look for potential pitfalls.

However, it is essential to sample both sides of your emotional boundaries as the experience of these extremes will unveil the mechanisms of your dynamic framework and help temper your character. With that in mind, aim to learn how to balance your pessimistic and optimistic sides and know the advantages and disadvantages of either side.

4. Dealing with anger

Don't let anger spread in your mind like wildfire. If something makes you angry, try to resolve the issue the moment the offence starts developing but get yourself to a position where you are calm. Anger usually gives you razor-sharp focus but shortcuts any analysis (like in the funnel metaphor, you only focus on a narrow problem scope). Try to be on the lookout for any anger-inducing situations and let things cool very quickly. This skill takes a lot of experience to master, so take your time.

When personally attacked, try to find common ground quickly. You don't have to be agreeable to a situation; just don't let anger dictate what you say and do next.

Try to avoid bottling up anger. Try not to unload inner anger on someone else on some other occasion. Remember, the longer you are angry, the less likely you will resolve your issues. The emotions might carry you to make terrible life decisions - anger restricts your problem-solving ability (part 1). Moreover, there is no good reason to be angry in the long term, whatever awful things people do or say to you. It is okay to have an occasional outburst from time to time, we are humans, after all, but patience, reason and self-control are the best mind tools you can develop for smoother navigation in this life. Use anger only in an emergency to defend yourself or others when everything fails, and there is no time to think of such a life-threatening situation, but be open to eating the consequences.

5. Asking for help

Always ask for help with your problems and ask questions, but ideally backed up by thorough and independent research. That will force you to become less reliant on others and allow you to gain valuable investigative skills. Stay calm, though and give your mind time to figure things out. Learn to ask questions properly but remember that this takes a lot of practice. I used this article, which helped me some time ago to re-think about asking questions. Although this is a hacking-background site and sometimes can be blunt, it raises some good points. Lastly, be open to helping others as well.

6. On friendships

Do not take friendships for granted but be welcoming to let people in as quickly as you let people out of your life. That is, make the best out of your relationships and learn from interacting with others as much as possible. Don't burden your friends with your worries, nor show off too much when things are going well. Being humble is often the middle ground for having decent people around.

Try surrounding yourself with people who inspire and bring out the best in you, but don't recoil from people who challenge you. Don't dismiss struggling people - encourage them to look at their issues differently and give them time to ponder things. Don't have people who are toxic towards you, as some often thrive entirely on making you miserable and want to see you fall*.

*Schadenfreude is a pleasure derived from seeing other people suffer in some way. Why do some people do it? When a person redirects attention to someone else in this situation, they often get a boost in self-esteem.

Finally, only partially blame yourself for everything in your relationships, as it is impossible always to get it right. Grow patience, be kind and don't let others walk over you - learn how to push back when necessary - it is your responsibility to protect yourself. Don't be afraid to break your relationships if your long-term well-being is affected.

7. Past failures

Refrain from dwelling too much on past failures. Better still, try to mentally transform bad experiences into learning opportunities you had to overcome. Besides, there is always a chance in the future to have a second stab at your unsuccessful pursuits. You will be doing so with greater experience. But try doing something else. If you can't, find your way back. Please don't make a big deal out of it. When stuck in a daily rut, consider developing hobbies, and try finding something you are more passionate about to spend time outside of work. Sometimes you can turn these activities into your new career or additional source of income. When you get good at something, someone may be willing to pay you for your skills. To maximise the chance of this learn to market yourself and don't let low confidence stop you from your goals.

8. Let go of hurt from the past

Similar to above, let things that hurt you in the past be an unfortunate lesson that takes part in building a better future for yourself. List all things that made you suffer and then list all the whys for these things. Work on these whys through repeated exposure. They don't bother you that much. If you experienced traumas in the past, that would change you forever, and these probably will never go away. Seek support to find and build adequate strategies for your misfortune. But keep reminding yourself that your unpleasant history also means you are more likely to cope with future challenges if you develop a healthy attitude towards problem-solving.

9. Reacting to the uncertainty of the future

Don't have an over-negative outlook on your future. Deal with things as they come. That gets easier as you get older* so long as you keep facing your problems. Develop your character flaws proactively - read psychology books about biases and learn to notice them in yourself - everyone has biases. When you can't deal with some overwhelming stuff, give yourself time to return to them when you have more knowledge and experience. But do your best to tackle all your most urgent issues, as they will accumulate into an unmanageable backlog. Ask for help. Try to find someone you can talk to and trust to help you find your weak behavioural or mental spots. Rember, your weak spots are someone's opportunity to exploit you.

* our pre-frontal cortex matures around the age of 25

10. On jealousy

Try not to be jealous of your friends' or strangers' successes. Instead, cheer for them as if their successes were your own. Negative feelings and emotions of jealousy will wear you down, will make you unhappy in the long term, and hinder you from focusing on your progress. Stay on that road; it is simply a good investment.

11. On embarrassments

Embarrass yourself as often as it takes and learn that sensation well. Then either learn to stop taking notice of your embarrassments or don't get yourself into such situations (I don't think there are more options to this). Make written notes of the unpleasant moments, and ponder them for a couple of days. If you deem it necessary, decide on the future action to correct your behaviour if you deem necessary. It is still a work in progress but gets easier with time. A suitable and supportive environment also helps, but don't count on that. Most of us aren't privileged to be surrounded by comfortable or like-minded people, but as you work on yourself throughout your life, you are more likely to get there.

12. Don’t think about what others think about you

Learn to stop worrying about what others think or expect of you, especially your family. Social forces from your relatives are harder to overcome as they are the people you grew up with, but honestly, be untrammelled. Sometimes you have to let go of the culture of your place of origin for that to happen, which is also a challenging choice. Remember, your friends and family want the best for you, but you are the only one who will drive your body and mind through this psychological `ether`. Take advice, and be friendly but walk on your own and make your own mistakes. Be friendly and keep relationships as good as you can. You never know when it might be the last time you talk to your loved ones.

13. On dealing with the discomfort of not knowing

Life does not appear obvious or certain, and often you have that weird sensation of panic in the stomach. Half of the time, you don't know what you are doing. That is the sensation of learning and exploring the ever-changing universe around you. Embrace this feeling and get used to the sensation. Forget that there is a comfort zone. It takes years to accept this way of thinking, but then it gets easier to deal with uncertainty over time as you grow more ready to embrace it. And keep yourself up if some others get to that stage faster than you. Life is not a race; it is a perception.

14. On self respect

Don't be disrespectful. Listen to what others say but remember to respect yourself, even when you don't deserve it.

If you are a person who deems yourself emotionally intelligent, you can suffer from low self-esteem. That is because you are more likely to underestimate yourself, which is a cognitive bias. On the other hand, some individuals who overestimate their abilities often put themselves above others - be patient with them and don't let yourself be intimidated by them. Some of these folks improve, and some don't. It is not your job to change that.

For example, what helps me tackle my low self-esteem episodes, is to flip my thinking and view my body and mind as the most precious possession I have to manage. Initially, I felt a high internal unease and resistance to thinking this way. Sometimes I consider my own body as an organisation. I am getting paid for the occasional reinvestment, protection and maintenance of its assets - mind and body -. As in business, you will often face failures, but you shouldn't demean yourself because things didn't meet your expectations. I also urge you to project your ego (or your identity) as an employee in your business. Don't undermine them in your organisation but make them feel like they own it to boost their productivity. With this concept in mind, give your identity a helping hand and treat it better. It is one of your assets and the most precious possessions you have to manage. In the long term, this approach will help you cope, and once you wean off from self-criticism or self-doubt, you will notice an improvement in the quality of your life, as at least you overcame one challenge in your life. Once you are comfortable with it, forget there is any staticego. It is just a temporary story that we keep in our heads to anchor ourselves to the moment, to keep ourselves sane. I hope to come back to this in future posts.

15. Stand up for yourself and others

If anyone treats you or anyone around you in a way that you don't feel uncomfortable, don't withhold your reaction unless your life is in danger. In a dangerous situation, I would only consider acting to protect someone's life but try not to serve an ideology. Smile to break the tension, be always polite, control yourself in the situation, and say if it bothers you. Don't try to control others or accumulate grief or grudges, but stand your ground to be heard. In difficult or losing situations, don't feel sorry for yourself. If you miss the opportunity to speak your mind because you don't know what to say, just let that thing go and make a note of the situation for the future. It will be fresh in your mind if you can voice it later. Additionally, a few days later, you can write down responses you would have liked to have given. These responses will be less affected by emotional bias. That way, you will be more prepared for future encounters. We all occasionally face battles we can't win, and intellectual prowess can be weaker than total muscle weight on a few occasions, so be aware of that. Be also aware of irrational behaviour on the other side or mob mentality that can be very dangerous. You might be well versed, but the other side might use different logical arguments.

In my youth, I fought many times. Not because I wanted but because I had to defend myself from irrational and broken human beings. I hated the taste of blood in my mouth, but often one has no choice but to embrace the physical pain when you can't walk away. To be under the mental control of a bully is worse than a broken lip or bloodied nose.

16. Substance dependency

Limit drinking coffee, high-sugar or energy drinks if your anxiety is getting a hold on you. I have nothing against the coffee industry, but I have been guzzling dozens of cups weekly for years. I thought drinking it would keep me sharp and agile, especially when my body told me to rest. That was stupid. Going cold turkey one day, I realised that my body muscles started to relax once more, and I began sleeping better. Nowadays, I moderate myself to a few cups a day but introduce more non-caffeinated hot drinks in their place. Also, I stopped drinking coffee after 6 pm.

Quitting smoking was a big challenge for me. I picked the habit during juvenile ignorance to combat anxiety, as nicotine gave me that fuzzy and relaxing feeling. Years later, I realised my body was worth more than just a bag of flesh. Further, I realised that I was essentially buying someone a lunch using the money I had worked hard to damage my health, and anxiety was still there. I felt daft and thought that health was my biggest asset and I needed to take action to protect it, so I mentally managed to break out of this crippling habit. I admit, in the last six years, I have broken down and smoked a few cigarettes when I felt deficient, but overall, I managed to keep that habit completely under control. It feels damn good to say no to it.

I urge you not to drink alcoholic drinks to mute your sorrows but enjoy them with moderation and good company. When your brain associates drinking with running away from your issues, you will walk into a problem. Moreover, alcohol infatuation masks your cognitive skills to self-evaluate. That means you will spend more time recovering than moving towards the solution to your troubles. That is also the wrong way to enjoy a fine wine or whiskey. When you feel that you are forming a habit, start moderating it, you blink your eyes, and the self-destruction comes with a surprise.

17. On physical health

Invest in regular aerobic exercise not just as a way to switch off or run away from your troubles but to treat yourself, making your human vessel slimmer so this it is easier to move it around. Train to control and focus your mind on breathing during aerobic activities while working out. I found it to be a great way for you to solve problems in the background when you let that pesky inner voice focus on shouting at your body muscles. But respect your heart and muscles - they are only sometimes replaceable.

18. On social media

Don't use social media to vent your negative buildup of feelings. Engineers create social media to make it extremely easy to dump your mind's worries or thoughts to increase network traffic and generate stakeholder revenue via ads. Venting might not be fully in your self-interest. If someone makes a remark that makes you angry, write down your response and save it offline for yourself. Read it the next day, and if it still feels worth putting it up out there, then do it, but after this reflection period, you will likely toss it to the rubbish bin. I note that people are keen to vent their feeling on social media, but their responses are vastly different in a direct interaction (I also made many of these mistakes myself). Moreover, venting is addictive as it sometimes gives you instant gratification by often making someone feel awful. Instead, open up more and be kind to another human being without expecting reciprocal treatment. You don't have to win all the time.

19. On money

The money will bring you happiness. Well, to some extent - so long as you realise it is a resource to make things happen in your life. Always keep as much money for personal insurance, education and pursuing new ventures. Learn to become self-sufficient or, even better, take courses and practice investing so you can use the money to make money. Read books about investing and try small things one at a time. Refrain from getting used to begging, borrowing or doing anything that will overly wear down your well-being to gain money, but try to figure out how to use any skills to generate income.

First, try to learn to save money. Live on as little as possible, then build a stash for at least six months. That will come in handy if you suddenly lose your primary source of income or have another life-disrupting event. For example, you end your relationship and take some time off or find yourself wanting to go somewhere where you have never been before and to try to start a new life. Once you get the financial foundations, start learning how to build a portfolio that will earn you extra for your comfort. With great embarrassment, I wish I had learned this much earlier. That is one of the hardest lessons I have learnt to this day. In the past, I put all my financial efforts into my education but dismissed my efforts on financial wisdom.

20. Ending toxic relationships

Don't be afraid to burn bridges. If the bridge burns, then it isn't worth keeping. I always treat interpersonal interactions to be very important. However, I noticed that both sides form a strong bond. Maintaining a relationship with someone who puts you at a great disadvantage once or twice (always allow one mistake) will mean they may use that strategy in the future or sabotage you later in life. I will write about this in the future.

21. On expectations from life

Psychologically speaking, do not expect that much from life. Learn to appreciate as little as you have, but hope it can improve. Pragmatically, plan and set realistic goals to achieve that. Whatever you make in life is yours to collect. Prepare that someone else might just grab what you earned from you*. So insure yourself where possible. But don't take this too seriously. Life is just an experience and sometimes we need to experience biterness in order to change our perspective.

* when we want to eat the rewards of our hard work, we sometimes get cheated away from it

22. On dealing with criticism and snarky remarks

If you are like me, you can likely put on or lose weight when others make you feel awful or criticise you. When that happens, avoid internalising the negative feelings and making yourself feel awful. Try to understand the criticism that came your way. Was it genuine criticism given by someone who doesn't know how to give constructive criticism? Was it there to help you think about something you never considered? Was it to make the other person feel more important, or did they fear competition and want to distract you? Have the other side had a bad day, or were they made to feel awful by someone else?

If it was the first reason, then redirect the blame on your temporary lack of certain ability or skill that you will improve or develop. Avoid diminishing your ego, which most likely will try to seek instant gratification given by, for example, unhealthy food. For other reasons, try to deflect it from yourself and learn to let these things go past, as they won't give you that much value. Remember that someone has to break the chain reaction.

23. Don’t be ashamed of where you came from

Don't let your under-privilege stop you. The time you spend blaming the environment for your under-privilege is wasted time you could otherwise have invested in making things better for yourself in this unjust world. I have spent a long time on a self-pity train. Trust me, it is easy to get on, but it goes nowhere, and you are doing yourself more harm. Refrain from amplifying your bad situation; think of ways to improve it.

24. Try making notes

Create a personal list or write a diary with things you would like to improve. Ask other people how they view you or what weaknesses they see in you if you have an opportunity, but don't cling to that firmly. Your personal goals may change with age, so try to revise them and prune anything that is no longer worth pursuing - sometimes even start from scratch. Keep looking to find something that will work for your story. The key to a fulfilling life is to keep trying to find balance but be flexible or have strategies to deal with times when all goes wrong. Learn to appreciate both success and failure, learn how you react to both, learn about yourself, and learn how to manage emotions and interpersonal interactions.

25. Seek out information

Last one. Try to read books on psychology and animal behaviour. Do as much observation as possible and take some personal notes. Some physics professors bully each other but so do chickens - at least, that is what I have seen and experienced. Learn what you need and be open to personal development, even if you must wait years to see the fruits of your patient investment. Good luck.

Just remember, these are my anectotal observations and notes. They might only partially resonate with a few different personalities out there. They serve a bare minimum for me to feel like managing various challenges, anxieties, depressive episodes, and unforeseen circumstances that life throws at us. I hope this can be of use for someone out there. Always nurture hope. Good luck, and carry on.

My recommended reading list

A few books here pointed me towards a path of more reflective and introspective thinking.

Carnegie, D. (1998). How to Win Friends and Influence People, Vermillion Press

Many years ago, I stumbled on this classic book by Dale Carnegie. At first, I thought it read like a guide to becoming a good travelling salesman, but being a good salesman who listens and understands the needs of the other while trying to put bread on his table is a very sought-after skill. Dale initiated this idea in my head: how to win a friend with your ego. That's why I would recommend anyone to add it to their reading list.

Hunt, A. (2008). Pragmatic Thinking & Learning. Refactor you Wetware, Pragmatic Bookshelf

For a couple of years, I battled anxiety and a lack of confidence as I started my career in technology. Andy Hunt reminded us about the importance of cognitive biases in our thinking and decision-making. This a good introduction to the topic for people working in technology.

Bandelow, B. (2004). Das Angstbuch: Woher Ängste kommen und wie man sie bekämpfen kann, Rowohlt

I can't find the English version of this book, but the author provides more texts on anxiety for you to discover.

Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence. Why it can matter more than IQ, Bloomsbury

Recently, many people have begun talking more about emotional intelligence (EQ). Daniel reflects on how EQ influences leadership styles or their contribution to general human success. An essential introductory read.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow, Farrar, Straus and Giroux

I began reading Kahneman's papers during my university days, and he was the first person who introduced me to the idea of cognitive biases. Thanks to Kahneman's input, I began to work to manage and notice my own biases in my thinking that were causing me to feel anxious or depressed. It is a must-read.

Boldblum, N. (2001). The Brain-Shaped Mind. What the Brain Can Tell Us about the Mind, Cambridge

It was one of the introductory books that talked about brain structure from a neuroscientific point of view. It takes us on the journey from inter-neuronal communication to the interaction of the whole organ with its environment.

Sapolsky, R. M. (1994). Why zebras don't get ulcers: A guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping. W.H. Freeman

Robert Sapolsky is one of the most important influencers on behavioural biology. His works are delightful to read and very informative and fun. Highly recommend it.

Lorenz, K. (2002) On Agression. Routledge

Konrad Lorenz, a controversial figure given his initial ties with Nazi Party*, gives an entertaining survey of animal behaviour. It is one of the most interesting reads I have encountered while learning, although it is now outdated. What cought my attention was a discussion about inter-species vs intra-species agression. *Later, Lorenz distanced himself from the party, a move that probably helped him win a noble price rather to dissapear in the shadows left by atrocities.